You Can Have a Career and Be a Good Mom. I think.

Even though I am just publishing this blog post, in my head, I have been writing it for the past 3 - 4 years. Can you have a career and be a good mom?

The most overwhelming emotion you are likely starting to experience while thinking about this topic is probably guilt. I know I am. However, what I try to do (sometimes successfully, sometimes not so much) is refocus as soon as I recognize where I'm digging myself into, in order to let go of that guilt. Shifting my mindset towards my goals is how I normally manage. Those goals are:

• Do work that matters to me and enjoy it.
• Raise a happy daughter who should know that she has the same career opportunity as men do.

Why do women work while being moms?

Sometimes it is simply a financial necessity or child care costs more than what we earn. In other cases work is a passion and a part of who we are. For me work is essential part of my life - it not only keeps my brain engaged and focused, but I also truly enjoy doing what I do. I am also hoping to set an example for my daughter and show her that just like men, we can also have a career and take care of our children.

How does having a career work without feeling guilty of not being there for your child?

Here are the few ways I manage!

I will not feel guilty leaving work at 5:00 pm

Many people think that by staying late at work they appear more dedicated to their job. That is simply not true. Leaving on time does not mean you are lazy, or that you are not dedicated, or that you hate work. It simply means you have life outside of your job.

If you are managing your time and priorities and are being efficient, there is absolutely no need to stay late at work. If you find that you have to keep working overtime to finish up tasks, it is probably time to revisit the situation and get to the bottom of what is wrong with the picture. Staying late at work all the time is not healthy. If it is once-in-a-while type of situation, then that is fine, but what is not fine is feeling guilty for not working late.

I will not feel guilty for not playing with my kid and entertaining them all day

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who does not like certain types of playing activities. In my case I despise pretend-playing. Honestly, I would rather wash dishes, mop the floors, fold laundry or any other chore. However, I like crafts, building things, and outdoor activities/sports. So, when we do those things, I engage with my daughter. If she wants to do pretend play, she is on her own. What myself and my husband do sometimes to avoid whining and tantrums, is sit next to her and do something else while she is doing pretend play. Again, it is not that I do not enjoy spending time with my toddler, but I would like us to both enjoy the time we spend together, which I believe will be more memorable and fun for me and her. Also, how I am I a good mom to encourage her to "force" someone to do any kind of play? No. I do not feel guilty about not entertaining her all the time.

I have flexible expectations

Well, there are only 24 hours in the day. And with the current Covid-19 pandemic, finding child care has been so much more difficult. Some days I will have a sink full of dirty dishes, crazy hair, and not make my bed. But that is ok with me! What I decided is that I will set some priorities - dedicate certain number of hours working, do few activities with my child during the day where I am fully present, and for the rest of the time I will multitask managing the household while doing childcare.

I outsource what I can

Last year I decided I will hire some help with cleaning the house. I used to do this all by myself before the baby and even when I was on maternity leave, but now that I'm back to working it has become more difficult to maintain and deep-clean the house as frequently as I would like it. Some things would just have to give if I want to maintain sanity and the cleaning was one.

I try to find a support network 

This is the one thing I am struggling a lot with myself. We do not have any family in New York and we have moved couple of times in the last 5 years, so we do not have many local friends and neighbors yet, who I could easily ask for help. Last year I had a great babysitter coming in for a few hours, couple of times a week, which was a huge help when I had to organize meetings or make work calls. That unfortunately had to come to an end due to the pandemic (her kids are now at home, doing remote learning instead of going to school in person, so she can no longer come by). I chose not to hire anyone at the moment or send my daughter to daycare, since my husband also currently works from home, we are able to manage things on our own. By no means, this situation is ideal. When my parents visited for couple of months last year it was an incredible help. When you are on your own, you quickly realize it is invaluable to have some family around to lend a hand from time to time.

So, these are few of the things I do to manage my career and mom life (and my guilt for being a working mom). As with most things, it is a work-in-progress, but I find I'm constantly getting better and getting closer and closer to achieving a balance.

I should also point out that I truly admire all stay-at-home moms and from my limited experience with that (which is my 3 months of maternity leave) I find that to be just as difficult as being a working mom, if not more in some cases. One thing I am certain, however, is that both stay at home moms and working moms love their children equally, and they are frequently the same people simply going in and out of the workforce.

Any thoughts? I always welcome suggestions on how to do better!